PinkPeppers Org

by Alisse Camazine, Attorney, Paule, Camazine & Blumenthal, P.C

After the pain is gone, and you have sworn you will never date you now find yourself getting married. So what do you do if your new life takes you to another state and your ex husband and the father of your children lives here.

This is a difficult dilemma. Obtaining the right to move is not always easy. Here are things to think about. After you have thought about these areas, make sure you see an attorney before you talk to your ex or the children!

1. Have you considered where your children will go to school? Can the schools in the new state provide for any special needs your children might have?
2. Have you thought about how and when they will see their father?
3. Have you considered who will pay the transportation costs? If you are going to move and you are doing this voluntarily, be prepared to pay to leave. The court will also generally provide the Father with significant periods of time with the children over holidays and summers. You need to be prepared to give up quality time so that you can move.
4. Have you considered how the move will change your life? Will you be able to stay home with your children when you have been working? Will the move provide the children with things that they do not have now?
5. Do the children get along with your new spouse? 6. Have you given your ex proper notice under the law?
7. Has your spouse objected to the move?
8. Would the move be in your children’s best interest?
9. Have you considered the possibility of your new spouse to be moving to St Louis? Is there work available here that he could obtain that will avoid the necessity of your move?
10. If you are going to work, have you considered whether you will be able to get a job in the new state?

by Anne McIntyre

It’s a fact:  Most Americans do not have a passport. The number of Americans who have a passport, according to the State Department, is 68 million, or around 22% of the population.  That means that as of this year, 78% of US citizens cannot see the Eiffel Tower or Machu Picchu or the Great Wall of China.  Heck, they can’t even visit their grandma in Canada!

There are so many reasons to own a US passport.  Freedom. Adventure. Exploration. Education.  I could go on and on.  One of the best reasons I’ve heard is from Lonely Planet founder Tony Wheeler, who says, “It’s through travel, first and foremost, that we meet and understand the outside world. We can read all about other countries in papers and magazines or see them on television, but it’s remarkable how different places turn out to be when you actually visit them.”

There is a terrific book edited by Sara Benson titled “Don’t Let The World Pass You By! 52 Reasons to Have a Passport”.  I believe in each and every one.  Here are a few of my favorites:

#2 Find Out Who You Really Are
Flipping through your passport is like reading your diary. A passport makes grand adventures possible, and also preserves them like photos in an album. Where go go in the world says something about you. – what you’re interested in, how adventurous you are, what kind of activities you like…who you really are.

#6 C’mon, Live a Little
In the words of Auntie Mame – You’ve Got to Live, Live, Live! There is so much life in you and plenty of energy to connect to out in the world.  But you have to get out there to experience it.

#7 It’s Not Such Risky Business
The world is not a dangerous place if you choose your destinations carefully; the book lists the 10 Safest Countries. By the way, the U.S. ranks 27th, right after Armenia.

#15 Ship Out and Shape Up
True Fact:  I lose weight every time I take a trip – even when I indulge. It’s all that moving around and carrying luggage.  The fact that I am not cooking for myself, have no cupboard to peruse when I am bored and hungry and am walking a ton more than I do at home helps, too.

#22 Feel the Thrill of the (Un) Familiar

Has your life become routine?  Is it time to try something new?  Your passport is the key to that new door that can lead you on adventures all over the world.  Beaching it in Cancun?  Riding camels in Egypt?  Helping at a school in Costa Rica?  These all make you feel more alive – and I think, happier.

#33 Activate Your Life
Travel moves you – literally!  Whether it be swimming in a crystal blue ocean, hiking an ancient trail or biking through vineyards, travel is an active pursuit.  It’s the perfect way for you to re-ignite a joy for life AND burn calories at the same time.

And here is my own Oprah moment of travel: You can be your own best self when you travel.  You can re-invent yourself every day.  You can talk to new people or spend the day within yourself.  If you are open to the experience, you will learn more in one day of travel than most other pursuits.  Martha Gellhorn – war reporter, novelist, travel writer (and Hemingway’s 3rd  wife) – said it best “Now I am alive again.  Ponce de León was a nut case:  the fountain of youth is not a little spurt of water but travel.  I forget everything I know; otherwise I would have left much sooner. . . I have only to go to a different country, sky, language, scenery, to feel it is worth living.”

Martha?  Mame?  The message is the same.

Want the book?  It’s available from Amazon.com:  http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1740595785?ie=UTF8&tag=divorcesupp04-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1740595785

Posted by Linda Smith

Reclaiming your life after divorce is a lifelong process from that point.  I know because I’m still doing it.  And I know it’s possible and worth the efforts…all the efforts.  Divorce has visited my life more than one time.  I’m at an age now where I can look back and see that my life is a pieced-together quilt – because divorce fractures your life, the blocks of my quilt are of differing fabrics and textures but all are sewn into the blanket that keeps me warm.

There are many branches to the tree of reclaiming your life – not to bring too many metaphors into this conversation.  One branch for me is that I did find a new life companion…something I never dreamed would happen.  We’ve been married seven years this year and are best friends.  This branch is strong and growing.

Another branch is my career and work life.  I don’t know about other women, but divorce not only fractured my personal life, but my work life as well.  I’ve had to rebuild and actually decide upon a direction.  I discovered that this was a scary area.  Hesitation kept me at bay for awhile and kept me from following my dreams of being a working artist and a writer.  Divorce can scar your psyche as well as your emotions.

However, the miraculous thing I discovered is that the first step towards reclaiming your life is taking the first step. Just take it and you’ll find you are already on the path towards somewhere exciting.

Last month I published my first book.  This was a another of those scary undertakings because the scar tissue of divorce can often be thick and difficult to bend.  Reclaiming self-confidence is a long road…but ultimately one worthy of travel.  My book is a little booklet, a guide really, for home-based business owners.  It’s titled, “Beginners Guide for Home-Based Business Owners-Establishing an Initial Presence on the Internet,” and is available at Amazon.com.  My brother was amazed that I wrote and published this book.  He asked ‘Wow! When did you do this?  How did you do this?’  He knows that stepping into a new realm is always hard for me.  I told him that I just decided to do it.  I took the first step and just kept walking.

Divorce for some can be devastating.  It was for me.  However it doesn’t have to mean that your life remains devastated.  Human beings are remarkable creatures.  We have the ability to adapt and bounce back.  And I’ve learned that women in particular are very strong people.

If you have a dream, a goal you’d like to accomplish, I invite you to consider for a moment this question: what would happen if you took the first step towards it?  How would that feel?  Taking that first step will be the first step on the road to achieving your dream.

‘One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’ This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks.. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. ”

–Author Unknown

Have a garbage free day!

By Kent Keith

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.  Love them anyway.
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Do good anyway.
3. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.  Succeed anyway.
4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.  But do good anyway.
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.  Be honest and frank anyway.
6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.  Think big anyway.
7. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.  Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
8. What you spend years building, may be destroyed overnight.  But build anyway.
9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.  Help people anyway.
10. Give the world the best you have and you will get kicked in the teeth.  Give the world the best you have anyway.

by Rae Cardwell

Recently a good friend of mine lost her mother to a rare form of leukemia.  For her and her mother, it was a long and tedious battle with different forms of therapy that eventually sapped her mother of strength and life.  They remained hopeful until the end, that her battle would be won.

She had lived with her daughter for 20 years, moving in after her daughters divorce to help care for the children.  In their years together they raised the children, bought, re-habbed and sold many properties.

Their final purchase was a 13 acre farm.  They re-habbed this property to in start a wedding business out of.  It was to be a place to get married, have a reception and perhaps spend the night.  They did a magnificent job and were close to opening the farm to the brides-to-be, when her mother fell ill.  She spent her last days on this farm.

Her daughter has had the overwhelming task of caring for her mother through her final days and now leaving the farm and the idea behind.

In  the last three weeks, she has sorted, sold, hung onto and just let go of 20 years of memories.  While I’m sure this has taken an emotional toll on her, she has remained calm (for the most part) and stoic in the face of this daunting task .Not only has she lost a business partner but a mother and friend, who was by today’s standard still a young woman.

Aptly enough the memorial was held at one of her mother’s close friends house.  Surrounded by her mother’s good friends, her own and her children, her mother’s friends related stories not of sadness but in keeping with the personality of this person, fun times that had shared together.   I was, I might add, thoroughly impressed.    As her friends spoke of their friendship with this women the sky lit up, the rains came and thunder boomed.  I felt sure she was applauding everyone for their efforts.

What a great legacy to leave to her daughter.  I saw in these women shades of who my group of “peeps” are becoming.  We should all be lucky enough to be surrounded by those that loved and admired us on our demise.

As we approach the holiday season and we become nostalgic or sad for the loss of people in our lives.  And whether they have gone because of death, distance, divorce or just plain disinterest, perhaps we should take some time to remember what these people brought to our lives and be grateful for the part they played.  Because in any relationship, there were good times, inspirational times or just times that made us the people we are today.

In good times and bad, we will always have our memories.  To mourn a loved one’s passing is normal, to rejoice in the part they played in our lives is another thing altogether and a lesson I continue to learn over time.  I have found that laughter sure beats crying.

by Rae Cardwell

I watched a traumatic experience in the last three weeks.

A good friend of mine sold her marital home after nineteen years of residency.  She said something odd to me regarding spending all those years trying to get each room in her five bedrooms home to be its own room.  And indeed, she had worked extremely hard in achieving this goal and did so beautifully.

I remember when she was contemplating divorce some four years ago and having not been in her home for quite some time, I breathed a sigh and was overwhelmed with the task I knew she was facing someday.  And indeed, commented, it was no wonder she didn’t want to sell her home just then, as it would take a lot to move her out of there.

Time passed, divorce happened and she worked hard to make this gargantuan house her own.  Never mind that she lived in about three rooms of it, it had finally become hers.  We had great parties there and she entertained with the grace of Martha Stewart much to the humbling of the rest of us.

As always, the time came to sell the gargantuan home and move on.  She said the selling of it was sort of fun, because it was kind of like dressing up for a party.  However, the task of moving to a two bedroom condo with five bedrooms of furniture and nineteen years of memories took its toll.  First there were the decisions what to take and what to sell.  How do you decide?  You ask a lot of people their opinions, you painstakingly take inventory and you agonize over the loss of what you are selling or giving away.  You bury yourself in plans for the new condo and try as hard as you can to forget what you are leaving.  You sort, throw away and make difficult decisions.  You look at jewelry, clothing, towels, sheets, dishes, toys of your children’s and grandchildren’s, pictures and on and on………………..You see beautiful furniture, clothing, dishes, etc. with the knowledge that most of it has to go.  You look at the things you have been moving around for years and wonder why you have kept it.  But mostly, everywhere you look is yet another memory of another time.  Children growing up, husbands gone, good times with friends.  And the incredible amount of work that has gone into every loving thing you have created.

Now you would think that this would be the time to be joyous.  You’ve sold the monster, gotten a decent price and can FINALLY move on with your life.  Unfortunately, joy doesn’t come that easy.  Instead, this is a great time of mourning.  Mourning the losses of dreams, children growing up and moving on, even “creepy” husbands gone with the wind.

As I watched my very good friend deal with this, I flashed back to my own moving twelve years ago.  Sold the big house, took my children and ran to the nearest home I thought we could fit into and live quietly and without discord.  I didn’t stay in the big house for four more years and looking back, I’m glad I didn’t.  It did not take away the mourning however.   I looked at her after the two day estate sale and her home which looked like someone had literally raped it and saw the pain in her whole being.  I wished there was something I could have done to help her and realized this is something she has to go through to grow.  Growing is sometimes painful to the point of absurdity.  So, instead I gave her a hug, told her to mourn and she knows I will be there for her in the future.

The point of all of this…………………..Letting go is a bitch, whether it is our marriages, our kids or our homes.  I know it won’t be long until she will realize that living somewhere without yards and security systems and miserable maintenance is a great life style.  But, for now, she will mourn.

Words for Women to Live By!….Author Unknown

1. Aspire to be Barbie – the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits – buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt… A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? – Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down – just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok.  They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10.. Don’t get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are hard.

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it’s gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she’s wrong.

Live…Laugh…Love!

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:”

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it..
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20.. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ”In five years, will this matter?”.
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business..
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
34. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d
grab ours back.
40.. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Question:

Hi, my name is Mike S.  26 years ago I dated a girl in high school who I fell in love with.  I lost my virginity to her.  She was a Heather Locklear lookalike and was drop-dead beautiful and amazing.  We only went out for 5-6 months but it was an intense relationship.  We broke up because she wasn’t ready to settle down with me…especially since I was heading off to college out of town.  I have to say that I have thought about her almost every month for 26 years. She was the best girlfriend I ever had. I always wondered whatever happened to her.

Fast forward 26 years.  My ex-girlfriend contacted me on Facebook.  I WAS SHOCKED AND HAPPY!!! We lived in two different states though. She was divorcing her husband of 21 years and told me that I was the only boyfriend in her life that never cheated on her and never hurt her.  We started conversing over the internet for a few months. I could tell our hearts were really into this. We then carried it over to the telephone and we started to fall in love again.  This was my fantasy coming true!!  We spent hours on the phone everyday and we told each other we loved each other constantly.

My Ex took a bus to my town this week and when I picked her up at the bus station my heart sank.  I was not attracted to her at all!!!  My heart was wrenched.  Can someone be this shallow?  I couldn’t tell her to her face that I found her unattractive – I just didn’t want to hurt her.

She is completely heartbroken and lost.  Her hurt is killing me. I’m physically sick about this.  What is wrong with me?  I’m also finding myself wanting to talk to her on the phone because I fell in love with her on the phone. This cannot be healthy.  Can you help me?

Answer:

When I was a young girl, my family had the only inground swimming pool in the subdivision.  On the 4th of July, we would have all the neighbors over to our backyard for a pool party.  At the age of 9, we moved to another city but I always remembered our home and our HUGE backyard pool.

Fast forward 20 years later.  I returned to the old neighborhood with my two toddlers.  As I drove down the street, tons of memories resurfaced.  I pulled up in front of my old house and got out of the car.  I walked along the property line to gain a glimpse of the backyard and pool.  To my amazement, the pool was really, really, small.  I mean REALLY small.  I laughed so hard because in my memory, from the perspective of a young girl, it was HUGE!

Same thing for you.  Over the years, you hung onto your memory of this girl and built her up in your imagination.  In the end, the reality did not meet with the fantasy.  It happens.  Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Hope this helps!
Terri